You ever have one of those days where no matter what you do right, you do something wrong?
I’ve had one of those weeks.
I am a Clinical Research Coordinator. More or less that means I am in charge of running a physician’s clinical trials. I work with cancer patients that have gastro-intestinal cancer -anything from the throat to the anus, with a few stops along the way, is my area. My day to day can range from seeing patients alongside an Oncologist, to running blood tubes to various labs, to completing hours and hours of paperwork on everything that occurred during a patient’s visit.
Technically the physician is in charge of and responsible for everything that goes on as part of their trial -as the pharmaceutical companies like to say, “pretty much, if anything goes wrong, it’s your fault”. But, if you’ve ever been someone’s assistant you know the real truth. In public, they take the fall for the mistake, but the hammer always comes back to the assistant.
This is a job where people take patients whose bodies are actively betraying them and trying to set that to a strict schedule. Needless to say things go wrong. To make matters worse, in a job that is so focused on everything going according to plan, every move is documented, stored, and gone through at least a dozen times. We have actual lists of the mistakes we make that go on permanent record for years. That means I am accountable for mistakes I made years ago, and they can be dug up and interrogated at any time. It doesn’t matter if I have learned from them, grown through them -the North remembers (a bit of Game of Thrones humor for you).
Don’t get me wrong, I love my job, it is interesting, exciting, challenging, and honestly helps improves the lives of people around me. But it brings out the perfectionist in me. Not the I can do everything right perfectionist, but the no mistake for any reason is acceptable perfectionist.
See truthfully I don’t need too much help to find my faults. I have a list in the back of my mind, right next to the voices. Sure I have moments where I know full well my strengths, or moments where I get cocky. But I’m always very aware of the fact that I’m not perfect. At times it is a weight that drags me down. Sometimes it is something I try to overcome. Other times it is something I try desperately to hide. But rarely is it something I am able to just accept.
Anyone else out there with me? Anyone out there know they aren’t perfect, know they make mistakes, fall short of their own standards, and do their best to sweep the worst of it under the rug? There is a thousand ways I could explain it; and another couple hundred ways that we all deal with it, but if you have ever felt that way, hopefully you understand what I’m getting at.
I was having one of the crappier days of my week yesterday; it was a day where I was both handling a tough situation that was not at all my fault -really winning in terms of my coordinatorness, but I was also stuck staring at the dozens of ways that I could have prevented the sitaution -if I had bit a bit more on top of things, if I had seen everything that could have happened, if I had been perfect. In the middle of some seething anger, muttered curses, and mild panic, it hit me.
It would be really amazing to have someone fully see my situation, the things I’ve done right, the ways I could have been better, the mistakes I actually made – actually see all of those, and say it was okay. Not make excuses for them, like I so often do, but FORGIVE them. The most amazing feeling I can possibly think of, to be fully known, have someone admit that they see your faults, and not hold them against you.
As a Christian there are so many times when I get wrapped up in the fact that I should do a morning devotion instead of sleep longer or watch TV. Or I should pray more, or volunteer. There are times when I worry about which side of the political monster I fall on and if I’ve really given the other side enough consideration. There are times I worry about the mistakes I make, and how I need to do better. But at the heart of it all of that is missing the point.
If you took the time to read this far I thank you; I promise I’m about to make my point.
I have 3 words tattooed on my body. Down my ribs in an anagram -meaning it reads as one word going up, and a different word going down – of the words Sinner and Saint. The third word is on a banner hanging over a cross on my arm. The banner says Forgiven.
You don’t have to be clean or good enough to be a Christian
Behind all the political rants; the republican, democrat, abortion, immigration noise – behind all of that, these three words really sum up what it means to be a Christian. So, if you are not a Christ follower, a Jesus freak, or a church goer, I want someone at least to tell you this much. You don’t have to be clean or good enough to be a Christian – in fact, we took a vote a long time ago and those people didn’t make the cut. The truth is that you don’t make the cut. If you don’t lie to yourself you know that; God know that, but he forgives you for it – or he will if you ask for it. The other thing you need to know is that all of us Christians, we are works in progress. We’ve opened ourselves up to letting God work on us, but we are stuck in the middle. We are both Sinners and Saints. We know the good we should do, but we don’t always do it. So please don’t ignore our mistakes, but forgive them. We aren’t perfect, and that is a good thing. And if you are a Jesus follower, chances are that every now and then you forget this little fact. Take a moment to remember it. Let your guard down, admit you aren’t perfect, and know you are loved by someone who sees you more clearly than you see yourself.
If you find yourself sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. If you find yourself all too aware of your imperfections, I would invite you to consider God. Not because you are good enough to make the cut, but because he loves you anyway, and because it is truly awesome to know you are loved while also being truly seen for who you are. There is nothing better.
The Preachy Grub 