To My Non-Christian Friends

You ever have one of those days where no matter what you do right, you do something wrong?

I’ve had one of those weeks.

I am a Clinical Research Coordinator. More or less that means I am in charge of running a physician’s clinical trials. I work with cancer patients that have gastro-intestinal cancer -anything from the throat to the anus, with a few stops along the way, is my area. My day to day can range from seeing patients alongside an Oncologist, to running blood tubes to various labs, to completing hours and hours of paperwork on everything that occurred during a patient’s visit.

Technically the physician is in charge of and responsible for everything that goes on as part of their trial -as the pharmaceutical companies like to say, “pretty much, if anything goes wrong, it’s your fault”. But, if you’ve ever been someone’s assistant you know the real truth. In public, they take the fall for the mistake, but the hammer always comes back to the assistant.

This is a job where people take patients whose bodies are actively betraying them and trying to set that to a strict schedule. Needless to say things go wrong. To make matters worse, in a job that is so focused on everything going according to plan, every move is documented, stored, and gone through at least a dozen times. We have actual lists of the mistakes we make that go on permanent record for years. That means I am accountable for mistakes I made years ago, and they can be dug up and interrogated at any time. It doesn’t matter if I have learned from them, grown through them -the North remembers (a bit of Game of Thrones humor for you).

Don’t get me wrong, I love my job, it is interesting, exciting, challenging, and honestly helps improves the lives of people around me. But it brings out the perfectionist in me. Not the I can do everything right perfectionist, but the no mistake for any reason is acceptable perfectionist.

See truthfully I don’t need too much help to find my faults. I have a list in the back of my mind, right next to the voices. Sure I have moments where I know full well my strengths, or moments where I get cocky. But I’m always very aware of the fact that I’m not perfect. At times it is a weight that drags me down. Sometimes it is something I try to overcome. Other times it is something I try desperately to hide. But rarely is it something I am able to just accept.

Anyone else out there with me? Anyone out there know they aren’t perfect, know they make mistakes, fall short of their own standards, and do their best to sweep the worst of it under the rug? There is a thousand ways I could explain it; and another couple hundred ways that we all deal with it, but if you have ever felt that way, hopefully you understand what I’m getting at.

I was having one of the crappier days of my week yesterday; it was a day where I was both handling a tough situation that was not at all my fault -really winning in terms of my coordinatorness, but I was also stuck staring at the dozens of ways that I could have prevented the sitaution -if I had bit a bit more on top of things, if I had seen everything that could have happened, if I had been perfect. In the middle of some seething anger, muttered curses, and mild panic, it hit me.

It would be really amazing to have someone fully see my situation, the things I’ve done right, the ways I could have been better, the mistakes I actually made – actually see all of those, and say it was okay. Not make excuses for them, like I so often do, but FORGIVE them. The most amazing feeling I can possibly think of, to be fully known, have someone admit that they see your faults, and not hold them against you.

As a Christian there are so many times when I get wrapped up in the fact that I should do a morning devotion instead of sleep longer or watch TV. Or I should pray more, or volunteer. There are times when I worry about which side of the political monster I fall on and if I’ve really given the other side enough consideration. There are times I worry about the mistakes I make, and how I need to do better. But at the heart of it all of that is missing the point.

If you took the time to read this far I thank you; I promise I’m about to make my point.

I have 3 words tattooed on my body. Down my ribs in an anagram -meaning it reads as one word going up, and a different word going down – of the words Sinner and Saint. The third word is on a banner hanging over a cross on my arm. The banner says Forgiven.

You don’t have to be clean or good enough to be a Christian

Behind all the political rants; the republican, democrat, abortion, immigration noise – behind all of that, these three words really sum up what it means to be a Christian. So, if you are not a Christ follower, a Jesus freak, or a church goer, I want someone at least to tell you this much. You don’t have to be clean or good enough to be a Christian – in fact, we took a vote a long time ago and those people didn’t make the cut. The truth is that you don’t make the cut. If you don’t lie to yourself you know that; God know that, but he forgives you for it – or he will if you ask for it. The other thing you need to know is that all of us Christians, we are works in progress. We’ve opened ourselves up to letting God work on us, but we are stuck in the middle. We are both Sinners and Saints. We know the good we should do, but we don’t always do it. So please don’t ignore our mistakes, but forgive them. We aren’t perfect, and that is a good thing. And if you are a Jesus follower, chances are that every now and then you forget this little fact. Take a moment to remember it. Let your guard down, admit you aren’t perfect, and know you are loved by someone who sees you more clearly than you see yourself.

If you find yourself sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. If you find yourself all too aware of your imperfections, I would invite you to consider God. Not because you are good enough to make the cut, but because he loves you anyway, and because it is truly awesome to know you are loved while also being truly seen for who you are. There is nothing better.

Hiding, or Being Respectful?

So I’ve posted about my living situation a bit here and there on this blog. For the full messy details see my first post here (https://preachygrub.wordpress.com/2016/07/20/the-five-reasons-im-still-a-christian). It may not contain a detailed blow by blow, but it will give you some context as to some of my family’s struggles.

Recently my mother-in-law had some worsening health problems and was in the hospital for a few days, followed by a two week stay in an inpatient rehabilitation center to build her strength back up. At the risk of sounding like a terrible person, I have to say it was a nice break for my wife and I, who are caregivers for her. Don’t get me wrong, we were not happy that she was sick, but the break was a welcome one. A silver lining, so to speak.

As we prepared for her to return home, my wife and I were discussing some of the things that would change around our house. Some of them were small things, the simple loss of space from having another person in our small home. Others were a bit larger, like the drain on our free time, or the emotional toll of having to care for another person.

One of the issues we ended up discussing was how we would handle our faith when she returned. As I have mentioned previously, my wife and I are Christian. My mother-in-law, on the other hand, is not. I think technically she may still consider herself Catholic. In practice though she is a little closer to either atheist or agnostic.

Regardless of what she calls herself, we have very different worldview, and at times it makes living together difficult. It shows up in our choice of wall decorations: A nice quote about prayer? Or a picture of a woman breaking a broom with the words F*** Housework across the top? It becomes an issue when we consider praying before a meal, or teaching our son to pray while in front of her. It is not to say that she has ever told us not to express our faith (although there have been subtle hints that worship music is not appreciated, and invitations to join us for church are all but laughed at), but we struggle with the line between respecting her choices by not shoving our faith down her throat,  and being able to practice our faith in our own home.

I don’t think I am alone in this struggle. With so many ethnicities, religions, and world views present in the United States today, it is almost impossible not to run into someone whose views are different from your own on a daily basis. As you do, the question that often arises is where is the line between respecting their beliefs and expressing your own.

So where is the balance? Where should one draw the line in terms of not shoving your faith down someone else throat, but also still being free to live and practice your beliefs? I’m not great at this, I will admit it here and now, but the following are some thoughts from my experience.

• Respect, don’t hide.

There is a fine line between respecting someone else’s right to not share your beliefs, and hiding them completely so as to never offend anyone. The key is respect. If someone doesn’t agree with your beliefs, avoid making them participate in them. This would involve things like mandatory prayers or music or decorations that they are forced to listen to or look at. Simply praying around them, reading your Bible, or practicing your faith in other manners that they can see, but don’t have to participate in, is a different matter. In that case you are merely giving yourself the same freedoms and respect that you are extending to others. If they get offended still, it may just be their issue, not yours.

• Start dialogue.

After the riots happened in Ferguson, Missouri, my work developed several trainings on Diversity and Inclusion. Aside from being horribly painful, they did give a few good pointers on dealing with different viewpoints. One of the best tips was to start dialogue. By talking about our differences we not only acknowledge that they exist, but we acknowledge that they are okay. Often people feel respected if you seek to understand what they believe. They may even ask questions about your own beliefs. As a result you both may feel more comfortable practicing faith. And, if the other party is not interested in talking, at least you tried.

• The Least Common Denominator

In Romans 14:1 Paul tells believes to respect the faith of their weaker brothers. This command was given specifically to help issues where Christians had different opinions on what was right or wrong. He was telling those who were okay with things like eating meat or not observing certain holidays, to respect the faith of those who had more strict views, at least while they were around one another. While he wasn’t specifically talking about issues between different faiths, I think the point applies. Sometimes, especially when you are around people whose faith is more strict than your own, it is helpful to yield to their stricter views. This could mean differing to a man during a conversation if a couple is from a culture where that is more appropriate (possibly making both the husband and wife more comfortable). Or it could be as simple as avoiding swearing around those who are offended by that type of language. It is a fine line, and you have to be careful not to let it turn into hiding, but sometimes it is necessary.

Like I said before, I am not a pro at this topic, but I am hoping to get better. Ultimately, Jesus said that we were like a light used to see in the darkness, and it makes no sense to simply hide that light so no one can see it. While I struggle with not wanting to offend others by practicing my own beliefs, in the future I think I will be striving to respect those around me, and not worrying about giving offense.

 

… I Missed

I am a something of a perfectionist. Anyone reading this who knows me personally probably either just laughed aloud or at least raised an eyebrow at that. My desk is usually somewhere on the spectrum of post tornado wreckage or aftermath of a bomb blast, my grammar almost always needs work, and my longest running nickname is Messy Jesse – see it’s clever… because it rhymes…

Anyway- regardless of the reality of how I organize or how neat I am, I am a perfectionist. What it really boils down to is the expectations I put on myself. I am acutely aware of how messy I am, how unorganized my spaces are, maybe not so much with the grammar- but I know I don’t live up to my own standards there. What makes me a perfectionist, or at least puts me on the spectrum, is the guilt that comes with failing to live up to my own expectations.

Every missed deadline, personal, professional, or something someone else put on me – Guilt. When I am cooking in the kitchen and the trail behind me looks like a slasher film because I cannot physically be neat while preparing a meal – mind nagging at me to clean. For the most part I am really good at telling that part of my brain to stuff it, because I know my priorities. But every now and then it catches up with me. And honestly, it is exhausting.

If you aren’t a perfectionist, I would be willing to bet that you can still identify with the feelings involved. Maybe you are caring for someone whose expectations of you are larger than life, never satisfied, and constantly changing (just a made up example off the cuff), maybe it is a boss that has different priorities than you do, or expectations that make your life miserable. Don’t even get me started on the expectations that are placed on those who have kids. At best (or worst) we run around trying to satisfy these standards and end up exhausted while often not actually making any real progress, and at worse (or best) we ignore them and have a constant state of guilt or shame hanging over us.

Oddly enough, this is exactly why I am a Christian. See some people see religion as a bunch of outdated rules that they have to follow. Just another standard they can’t live up to. And, while Jesus did show us how life was meant to be lived, he did much more than that.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

In Matthew 11:28, while teaching, Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” See Jesus didn’t preach rules. He preached forgiveness. He found those who knew they couldn’t meet their or God’s standards, and he offered them forgiveness. He found the addicts, the jobless, those with criminal records, the ones with bad credit scores, and he admitted that they had messed up, and then he paid their debt.

In Romans 8:1-2, just after admitting how much he could never live up to God’s standards, Paul says, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.” He didn’t brush off his own failings; he admitted they had been paid for.

 

Do you struggle with guilt? Shame? Feeling like you aren’t good enough? There are a few different things you should look at if this is the case.

• Whose standards are you trying to meet? It could be that you legitimately are not making the cut in some area. If that is the case, have the power and the courage to admit that and then move on to suggestion 2. It could be, however, that the standard you are being held to has no real authority or merit. Consider that. Why are you being held to that standard? If the standard is not legitimate, either your own perfectionism completely not based in reality, or if it is someone else’s standard that is also not realistic, admit that. Tell yourself or the other person. Say it out loud. Write it down. Whatever you do, actually admit that those goals are not a real standard that you need to meet and that they should hold no power over you. That will take time to sink in, but whenever the guilt returns on not meeting those standards, give yourself permission to dismiss it.

• Seek forgiveness. If you are not meeting the standards- God’s, someone else’s, your own (legitimate)- ask forgiveness. This admits that you aren’t living up to the expectation, but then it frees you from it. The temptation is to shrug off the expectation and say it’s not a big deal. When you do that the guilt remains, just in the background. And, if you have fallen short of someone else’s standards you are telling them that you don’t think you have actually wronged them, which can be quite damaging. Even if you have fallen short of unrealistic expectations, in addition to declaring them illegitimate, it may still be helpful to forgive even the imagined wrongdoing and let the weight go.

• Grant forgiveness.  I am adding this one for two reasons. 1st is that we are all human and make mistakes, even those holding us to inhuman standards. I am not advocating letting them continue your abuse, but as you move away from that situation, forgive them for their shortcomings. Don’t hold them to standards they can’t meet as well. 2nd, Maybe you are holding standards over someone else (pause and consider this for a bit), I would urge you to forgive them their shortcomings. Realize that they can’t always be perfect and free them from the guilt or naggings of not being able to meet the mark.

If you are tired of the guilt, the exhaustion, the nagging feeling that you are not perfect and never will be, feel free to let go. Feel free to say out loud or silently, “I’m bad and that’s good, I will never be good and that’s not bad.” Wait, sorry wrong motto. In actuality feel free to be okay with your imperfection. We don’t have to try and be perfect, not because the bar is being lowered, but because the price of our imperfections has already been paid and there is a hand waiting to lift us up and help us grow. If you are a believer in Christ already, I’m guessing you, like me, need a reminder of that every now and then. If you are not a believer I would invite you to consider it. Know that that is the real reason Jesus came. Not to show us how to be perfect, although he did, or to help us grow towards real life, although he does, but he came to liberate the captives, to help the oppressed. He came so that all those who are weary and heavy laden might find rest.