Path and Shadow

 

Okay, I feel that this post needs a small bit of explanation. I’m straying from my normal content of talking about spiritual matters and #real life. Instead I have decided to share with you, dear reader, something that few have gotten to see outside of some close friends. Below is a short story I wrote a few months ago. I penned this while part of a writing group called the Pretentious Bastards. While it is not my usual blogging style, I hope you read and enjoy.

-Preachygrub

 

Path and Shadow

Sunlight breathed into the mouth of the small cave. A boney arm shot up and slashed a rock across a stone wall. The woman made the mark before she had even opened her eyes. It was habit now; simple breathing.

She rolled and sat up. Her dirty nails ran through her dirtier still mane of white and gray tangles. She looked over at the wall as she stretched. The length was covered in white tallies. Once she had used the lines to keep track of how long she had been here. Now, however, with the majority of the marks fading, she supposed it just gave her a sense of order. It helped to keep the shadows at bay. There were far too many here, both in her mind and in the forest.

A faint melody swam through the wind. She closed her eyes and turned her ear towards the breeze. Taking in the musk of the woods, she listened to its music. The song rose with the hum of the wind, rustling through the crackle of autumn leaves. Then she heard the smallest hints of a voice. Her eyes sprung open. What fresh hell was this?

She jumped to her feet, knees and ankles protesting at the sudden movement. The wind swept at her faded blue dress, fanning it out against her legs as she leaned out of the cave mouth. She craned her neck. There. She heard it again. It was coming closer; the voice of a girl.

She scrambled down the stony path that led from the cave she called home. As she got to the bottom of the hill she snatched a large stick from behind a boulder without breaking stride and dashed further into the forest.

It took her less than a minute to find the girl. She was leaning over something and whispering in a hushed tone. The woman took a step forward to get a better look. As she did so a fox flicked its ears up and with a flash of its black tail the animal turned and ran. There was a small patch of white fabric on one of its paws and as it ran she noticed the faintest hints of a limp.

The girl spun around and peered into the forest, looking for what had spooked the fox. She gazed for several moments before letting out a scream and jumping back as caught sight of the woman. Her eyes went from the knotted stick she carried, to her wild hair, to the faded dress she wore, with a couple of stops along the way.

Likewise, the woman stared back at the girl. She was a blond wisp of a thing, all curls and frizz with barely any meat on her bones. Her jeans were more not-there than there, one tan knee completely hanging free from the denim, and her shirt was cropped short revealing a belly piercing.

“Who are you?” The girl asked. “Where am I?”

The woman frowned. “How did you get here?”  She didn’t bother to answer the girl’s question.

If the lack of response bothered her, the girl didn’t show it. “Dunno. I’m trying not to think about it too much. I’m afraid this is a dream and if I poke it the bubble will pop.”

The woman huffed again. Dream? “More like death trap.”

The girl met her eyes for a moment. They were a bright blue with amber at the centers, “Death trap? How could you call this-“ she lifted her hands and gave a half twirl, taking in the beauty of the forest around her, “A death trap? It’s amazing.”

The woman looked up at what the girl was pointing to. The forest was full of large oaks with branches thick as a person. Their grey bark had patches of white underneath that gave the woods a serene atmosphere. Adding to the unreal nature of the forest were the floating trees. Several of the oaks hovered ten feet or more off the ground, their roots bunched under them with bits of loose soil still hanging on for dear life. They swayed in the wind, tilting ever so slightly and moving back and forth as the breeze kissed their leaves.

“Yea. I used to think they were pretty too.” The woman all but cackled. “Until he almost dropped one on my head”

“Until who-“ The girl started to ask.

The woman whirled around. Her mere mention of him brought the danger back to the forefront of her attention. She had to get back to her cave. She had to find the-. The path was gone. The small bits of stone and depressed grass were nowhere to be found. She knew she wasn’t missing them because the way she had just come was blocked by an oak; this one still in the ground. The place behind it was a wall of dirt at least five feet high.

She ran to the wall, ignoring the girl as she asked what was wrong. There had to be a mistake, he couldn’t have taken it. Not after she’d worked so hard to find a safe place. Not after she had come so close. Maybe she just missed it somehow. “No!” She shouted. “It can’t be gone!”

“What?” The girl behind her asked. Her eyes searched the ground, helping to look for whatever the woman had lost.

“The path to my cave. It’s gone.”

“Where? Behind the tree?”

The woman whirled around, her eyes a combination of fear and rage. She thrust the stick she held at the girl’s chest. “You’re with him, aren’t you?” She snarled. “What? You think it’s funny to take my home and leave me defenseless?”

She girl backed away. “What are you talking about? I’m dreaming. None of this is even real. I was just studying for my nursing exam when I feel asleep and woke up here.” The girl’s voice quivered in fear as the woman advanced. A quick slash of the stick took the girl’s feet out from under her and she fell with a shriek.

“Name!” The woman yelled.

“What?”

“Name!”

“Liz! Elizabeth Newman!” The girl shouted, tears forming in her eyes.

The woman’s eyes widened and she nearly lost the grip on her stick. Her lips formed soundless words.

“I want to go home. I want out of this stupid enchanted forest-“

“No!” The woman shouted.

They both jumped as a thunderclap rattled the trees around them. Before it could register the sky poured out a bucket of water over the forest. Rain fell in fistfuls of drops.

“No!” The woman shouted again, whirling back to the dirt wall. Her hands groped at the ground, clawing at the loose soil. “I have to get back! I have to get back!” She screamed.

Liz sat on the ground, still stunned, as the raindrops turned the ground to mud and water began to form puddles at an alarming rate. “What are you doing?” She yelled. “It’s pouring, we need to find shelter!” When the woman didn’t respond Liz stood up and grabbed her arm. Rather than strike her, the woman slumped into the dirt. “Come on!” She yelled, pulling again.

Lightning slammed into a tree. The bolt was a blast of pure daylight that left the women seeing stars and sent bark flying in every direction. Liz turned the other direction and ran towards the nearest floating oak. Her feet sloshed through puddles that were already halfway up her ankles. Just as she came to the bottom of the roots she heard splashes behind her. She turned to see the woman sprinting towards her. She leapt into the air took hold of the lowest roots, pulling herself up with a nimbleness that left Liz stunned and gawking.

A second bolt of lightning slammed into one of the floating oaks. The wood groaned as the whole tree fell, its invisible strings shattered by electricity. The impact shook the ground under Liz’s feet and snapped her out of her shock. Wading through the water that was now almost to her shins, Liz managed to hook her arms around a root and pull just enough to also wrap her legs around another support. She twisted into an upright position and quickly climbed up the twisted wood. She glanced at the ground as she climbed and pictured it rushing up to meet her as the tree fell. She swallowed and prayed that nothing struck this oak.

Inside the root system the storm sounded calm, soothing even. The thunder came through as muted rumbling and the rain mostly left them alone except for the occasional drop that managed to work its way through. The woman sat in her perch, staring at Liz as she climbed. She didn’t say anything as the girl sat down and started to work her fingers through her hair. After a few moments Liz heard the silence and looked up. Her hands fell into her lap as she noticed the older woman staring.

“So… who are you?” She asked.

The woman considered her question for a moment. “Morgan. You can call me Morgan.”

“Okay… Morgan. What is this place? Is it real?”

The woman coughed out a laugh that had no humor in it. “It’s real enough; my bones still ache when it rains and falling hurts like shit. Sure we are in a floating tree, but sweetheart this isn’t a dream. Also, whatever this place is, I’ll warn you; it is dangerous.”

“Dangerous? How can this enchanted-“

“Don’t!” Morgan yelled. “Don’t name him again. You name him, you give him power.”

“What?”

“Just don’t name the forest. Okay?”

Liz frowned but didn’t say anything.

“How long have you been here?” Morgan asked.

“A couple of hours. Why?”

“Good, tomorrow we’re finding the path and getting you out of here.”

“What? Why would I want to go? Other than you going crazy on me this forest is beautiful.”

The woman looked down from her perch at the girl. She stared for a moment without saying anything. “Because I can’t leave. This forest is magical; and part of that magic is that if you stay here too long, three days to be precise, you can’t leave.”

The girl’s eyes grew large. “What?” Her voice quivered. “That’s not possible.”

“It is…trust me.” Morgan said. She turned and twisted on the roots until the knobs were out of her back. “Now, get some sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.”

Morgan woke up to something digging into her side. She opened her eyes and slowly a strange arrangement of knotted branches came into view. No… roots. There were bits of soil hanging from a few of them. She groaned as she sat up, holding onto a root above her to keep from toppling from her makeshift bed.

Below her a girl gave a soft moan. Morgan looked down to see a figure in ripped up jeans sleeping below her. She frowned. Her hand found a stick sitting on one of the roots near her shoulder and she grabbed it.

The butt of the stick jabbed into the girl’s ribs. She gasped and jerked away. The roll nearly sent her tumbling out of the tree but for a lucky flail of her arms. “Oww! Morgan, what the hell?”

“Who are you? How do you know my name?” Morgan said, giving the girl another jab with her stick.

“It’s me. Liz?” The girl said. “You found me here yesterday. Remember?”

Morgan frowned.

“Come on. We need to find a way out of here.” Liz groaned as she sat up, rubbing her lower back. She looked through the roots below her and carefully picked her way down. When she got to the bottom she held onto the lowest branch she could find and dropped. The result wasn’t exactly graceful, but she managed to land on her feet.

Morgan followed her. Her neck was stiff from sleeping in the tree roots and twice her right leg almost gave out on her and she climbed down. Her feet, however, were sturdy and she even managed to swing down with certain ease. She brushed dust off her dress- how had she allowed it to get so filthy- and looked around.

Liz was staring at the forest open mouthed.

“What?” Morgan asked.

“It’s all different. The path, the hills. The ground isn’t even wet.”

Morgan looked around. They were in the middle of a forest full of straight tall trees with brilliant red leaves and dark brown bark. They must have slept until midday because it was dark and the leaves cast shadows all over the forest floor. Only, the sun was just rising. There was a massive hill leading in a steep slope just to her left. It rose taller than the trees. They were standing in the middle of a clearing- a path of sorts, that lead into the distance.

“Are the trees floating? What is this place? How did I get here? Where are Herb and Vern? They were supposed to bring me home.” Morgan sputtered. She gripped her stick tight and looked around the woods.

“What? Who are Herb and Vern? Are they part of your camp?” Liz asked.

Morgan said nothing, simply wrang her hands around her stick and looked at the ground.

“Look, we can’t stay here. Remember? This place looks pretty but it’s dangerous? Plus we need to get me out of here before the three days are up and I’m stuck here forever.”

“What?” Morgan yelled. “I’m going to be stuck here?”

Liz stammered a response. “I thought you had been here for a while. You made it seem like you knew this place. How long have you been here?”

“Two days.” The older woman answered without hesitating. “Come on, I need to get back to Vern. He’ll be worried sick.

Without waiting for her, Morgan hurried down the path. Liz walked behind her and had to half jog to keep up. Morgan didn’t bother to talk to her or ask questions. The shadows kept the path hidden and for a moment Liz lost Morgan as she rounded a tree and started up the hill. When she got to the top she could see that the forest was starting to thin out, and the few trees that remained at the bottom were floating. Her joy was short lived, however, as on the way down both women were forced to move from tree to tree, securing every foothold lest the soil slip and throw them to the bottom of the hill. By the time the sun was straight overhead the two women were breathing heavy, starving, and eager for a break. The shadows were getting thicker.

Liz collapsed on the ground and pulled off her shoes. The heel of her one foot was bright red. She rubbed it gently, cursing under her breath as she winced in pain. Morgan joined her on the ground, her own feet, as well as her hips and knees, aching from the long walk.

“How are you managing this?” Liz asked. “You have to be what? Eighty? I’m about ready to collapse.”

“I’ll have you know I’m not even seventy yet.” Morgan huffed. “And maybe if your generation did more than sit in front of the idiot box all day with your shows and your video games, you could keep up.”

Liz bit her tongue. They rested for a few moments longer before resuming their downhill journey. Liz concentrated on picking her steps down the hill as they neared the bottom. Morgan, however, was perfectly content to continue the conversation, oblivious to the offense she had delivered.

“I don’t know where you got that this place is dangerous. It seems nice, like the hundred acre woods.”

“Don’t name it.” Liz cautioned.

“What?”

“You told me yesterday that naming it gives him power.” She grabbed a sapling to steady herself and jumped the last few feet to the bottom.

“Gives who power? Don’t tell me you’re one of those new age- oh what are they called? Wiccans. Don’t tell me you’re a Wiccan or something. Names just describe things. They don’t give any more power than a simple understanding.” Morgan took the final step down the hill and joined her on the forest floor.

“Look,” Liz snapped. “I don’t know what game you are playing here. But, after you almost broke my ankle with that damn stick of yours, you screamed at me not to name this place.”

Morgan huffed. “I have no idea what you are talking about.”

Liz practically growled. “Are you serious? You know I’m starting to think you’ve been here way too long; like you’ve lost it or something.”

“Don’t you take that tone with me, young lady. Honestly, people used to respect their elders. I’m starting to think I should look for this way out on my own. Even if I do get stuck here this place doesn’t seem so bad, as long as I lose the company. And I think I’ll call it the Enchanted Forest.”

Liz yelled as she heard Morgan uttering the words, but it was too late. She whirled around, hoping the previous night had been a fluke. And, for a moment, she thought nothing bad was going to happen. Then a hollow rattle sounded in the trees above her. Liz whirled, eyes searching the branches for whatever was making the noise. A second rattling joined the first, this time behind her. As she looked for the creatures making the noise a third and then a fourth joined in until the entire forest thundered all around her.

Goose pricks trailed down Liz’s neck. As she turned she caught sight of movement in a nearby tree. She strained against the shadows and was able to make out a body crawling down the trunk of one of the redwoods. It was as long as she was tall with skin that shone in the bit of sunlight that managed to break through the leaves and shadows. It hit the forest floor and scurried forward.

“Run!” She screamed as she saw the thing racing towards her. Its  neck rose up like a viper, thick as her legs. Six legs pounded the dirt as it roared towards Morgan. The older woman looked back just as the creature towered over her. She jumped forward in time to avoid a wicked looking red stinger that buried itself in the dirt.

Liz grabbed the older woman and dashed into the woods. The rattling buzz followed them as they ducked and weaved between branches. The tree trunks looked alive with motion as more of the colossal bugs crawled onto the forest floor.

“We can’t outrun them!” Morgan shouted. The older woman stooped low to avoid a branch that Liz couldn’t see. “We need to find shelter!”

She couldn’t think of a single place they could hide from the swarm that now followed them. Ahead she saw wings flit and a pair of the giant insects flew through the air, landing on a tree ahead of them. Morgan struck something against her stick and suddenly flames burst to life. Without hesitating she whirled around and slashed her torch through the air. Something hissed and Liz saw sparks eat away at a glossy set of wings.

“Quick, gather wood!” Morgan shouted as she slashed her stick through the air once more.

“What?”

“Fire. We need to make a big one; maybe it will keep them away.”

“These are bugs. Won’t that just attract them?”

“You have a better idea?” Morgan yelled as she threw a pile of sticks together.

Liz didn’t, so she quickly started gathering wood, hoping the woman’s idea wasn’t about to get them killed. The branches were surprisingly dry considering the rain the previous day. She grabbed some pine needles and thrust them into the flames of Morgan’s stick. When they burst to life she was able to use them to light a small fire. From there it was only a matter of time before she had a respectable blaze going. She put a large piece of wood into the middle of the flames and waited. Once it caught she pulled it out and brandished it like a sword, covering their backs while Morgan watched their other side.

It took a few minutes, and the rattling still filled the forest air, but gradually Liz noticed that the dry rustle of movement on the forest floor had subsided. The pair stood guard a short eternity longer until even the rattling of the insects slowly faded away. With a sigh, Liz turned and put her stick back into the fire. “How did you do that?” She asked the older woman.

“What?” Morgan frowned.

“That.” Liz said, pointing to the end of Morgan’s stick, which was still smoldering.

Morgan shrugged, “I’m not sure, I just grabbed some dry pine needles and a rock.”

“Have you really only been here for two days?” Liz asked.

“What?”

“Nevermind,“  Liz said.

“No“, Morgan said, raising her voice. “You’ve clearly got something to say. I’m only confused, lost, and scared half out my witts, but clearly I am lying about how long I’ve been in these damn woods.“

Liz opened her mouth to apologize or object, she hadn’t made up her mind when there was a loud hiss. Here eys widened in horror as Morgan jerked forward. A hairy, knotted tail slammed the woman in to the dust. The base of a red barb was barely visible rising from the small of her back.

With a yell Liz grabbed a stick from the fire. She crossed the distance between her and Morgan in a single step and rammed the end into the middle of a cluseter of eyes. The bug shrieked in pain as the embers put out several of its yellow eyes. Liz put her weight behind the makeshift spear, shoving past the resistance. There was a crack and the stick jumped forward, nearly causing her to fall into the insect. Hot liquid splashed onto her hands as she struggled to keep her feet. Liz gagged and pushed away. She turned and yanked the stinger out of Morgan’s back. The woman lay prone and unmoving in the dirt. Liz knelt next to her and slowly rolled her onto her back. Her heart fell as she saw thin dribbles of white foam leaking from the woman’s lips.

Liz sat next to the fire, her head in her hands. She hadn’t heard any hissing or rattling from the shadows in what must have been hours. The stomach of her shirt was ripped and the bits of fabric were pressed against Morgan’s shoulders. Next to her the fire popped sending sparks into the air. She didn’t hear the twig snap behind her.

“Hello” A voice chirped.

Liz jumped to her feet and whirled around. Standing behind her was… a boy. He had shaggy black hair and stood about to where her tattered shirt hung on her ribs.

“Who the hell are you? How did you get here?” She asked, backing towards the fire.

The boy just looked at her. Something about his eyes unnerved Liz. It wasn’t their green color, although it they shifted with a range of hues that reminded Liz of the tree leaves above her. It was the way the peered at her-through her, as if he could see into her mind.

The boy stood there without saying anything, just staring at her. “Can I sit down?” I finally asked, eyeing the fire.

Liz nodded. Her foot tapped the stick that Morgan had been carrying and she knelt to pick it up, never taking her eyes off the boy.

“Who are you?” She asked.

“I’m him.” The boy said.

“Him?”

The boy walked past her, towards the fire. Rather than sitting next to its heat, he kept going. When he was a good ten paces away, he stopped next to a sapling  that was struggling to grow amidst the shadows of the larger trees.

“What-“ Liz started. Her words caught in her throat as the boy scooped his hand into dirt as easily as if he dipping it into a puddle. He lifted his hand and the sapling came with it, soil and roots scooped into a bowl in his palm. Then he lifted the dirt just shy of his lips and blew a whisper across the roots. Liz saw the faintest hints of light surround the sapling just before it floated into the breeze.

“Wha-“

“I am the forest.” The boy said again, turning to smirk at her.

Liz struggled to find her voice as a thousand questions fought to rise to the surface. How was he- What did he wan- Why did he-. They all clogged in her throat and left her open mouthed and stammering. The boy giggled. The sound was so unlike anything else Liz had heard for the last twenty-four hours that she jumped back and tensed at the noise.

“It’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you.” He walked back towards the fire and sat on the ground next to where Morgan lay. Liz was shocked to see him run his fingers through her hair. “I’m not evil you know.” He looked at the older woman and seemed to search for what to say next. “Morgan came to me a long time ago. She loved this place at first. In fact the floating oaks were her idea.” His expression changed and he looked sad. “But she’s been alone a long time, and she isn’t well.”

“It’s Dementia, isn’t it?” Liz whispered.

The boy nodded. “She has her lucid moments, but they are getting fewer and farther between. The shadows are growing. She doesn’t remember anymore, but she chose to come here just after her children died in a car accident. She’s been here almost ten years now.”

“She told me it had only been two days.” Liz said.

The boy nodded. “She just turned seventy-eight yesterday.”

“Why did you make bad things happen when we said your name?” Liz asked.

The boy shook his head. “I didn’t. And you really think my name is the Enchanted Forest?“

Liz felt her cheeks go red. She had, actually, until right about now.

“There is a lot of power in this place, when you tried to name me you described part of that. It tapped into that magic and let you control some of the power. The bad things came from you.“

Liz’s face must have been some reflexion of horrified as she thought of the flood that had almost drowned them; of the insects that had nearly killed her and still might kill Morgan, depending on what the poison ended up doing to her.

The boy held up his hands, reading her face. “Dont‘ worry, I can teach you to control it over time.“

She frowned. “Over time? And what exactly makes you think I am staying here?“

It was the boys turn to stammer as he looked for words. He glanced from her and then back down to morgan. “ I had… well I was hoping.”

“What? That I would take care of her? Is that your big plan? You ripped a twenty-year old out of her college dorm room and brought her to some mystical place so she could take care of an almost eighty year old woman who is either rude and spiteful or actively hostile?” She hadn’t meant to but Liz was yelling now.”

“Like I said. Morgan is sick.”

“Not. My. Problem.” Liz growled. “Now, forest boy, I want to go home.”

The boy closed his eyes and bowed his head to the ground. His shoulders sagged. After a moment he took a deep breath and waved a hand. As he did so vines twisted out of the ground. They were bright cherry red and wrapped around each other, forming two columns a couple of feet wide. They rose over Liz’s head and turned an invisible corner, weaving through the opposite pillars until the ends stopped just above the dirt. The space in the middle of the vines thickened. The air grew cloudy as solid wood, the same cherry red as the vines except for small dark brown splinters, materialized in the doorframe. There was a final pop as the whole thing became solid.

Liz stared in shock at what she had just seen. She glanced at the boy, who was busy whispering something to Morgan, and walked to the door frame. There was a little brass knob. She turned it and pushed the door open. Immediately cool air blew across her face. She heard the familiar sounds of people whispering in the library; she could even hear the faint sounds of her headphones playing.

“There’s no one else.” The boy said behind her.

“What?”

“You’re the only person. Without you Morgan is alone.”

“And what makes you think-“

“You are studying to be a hospice nurse, right?” The boy asked. “I figured that meant you would want to help.”

Liz sighed and turned away from the door. “I feel bad for her, sure, but you are asking me to give up everything here. I choose now, and that is it. My life is over.”

The boy frowned. “This isn’t a onetime choice. You can make the choice today, and make it again tomorrow.”

“But Morgan said-“

“Let me guess, she said you had three days and then you were stuck here forever?”

Liz nodded, now feeling very stupid for trusting the word of a woman who barely knew her own name anymore.

“She didn’t tell you her name, did she?” The boy asked.

“Morgan.” Liz said.

“You were named after your grandmother.” The boy said. “I don’t know if you knew that.”

“What?”

“Your grandmother. Elizabeth. Elizabeth Morgan.”

Liz started to say something, and then her mouth opened in shock. “She- she died-“

“Ten years ago… in a car crash, the same one that killed two of your uncles.” The boy said. “Only I was able to get to her first, to bring her here just before.”

Liz held onto the door staring between the boy and Morgan-Elizabeth- her grandmother. “I- I- this is just-.” She couldn’t finish her sentence. “So I’m just supposed to stay here, forever, and take care of a sick woman?”

“Like I said, only if you want to. She made her decision after only three days. You don’t even have to do that, just make your decision each day. Over time the door will fade, but it will always be there.”

Liz still found herself suspicious. “Why will the door fade?”

“Because your decisions will change you, because every day you decide to stay here you solidify that decision. I’m not trying to trap you Liz.” He pleaded. “You just have to know that the longer you stay the harder it will be for you to decide to leave. That isn’t magic. That is just how life works.”

Liz looked from the boy to Morgan. She closed her eyes and listened to the hints of music that still sang out from her headphones, a world behind her. She knew what her decision would be even before she pulled the door shut. Damn them both, she couldn’t just leave an old woman-family- to die alone in the woods.

“Thank you,” the boy whispered. And then he was gone.

Liz shuffled back to the fire. She couldn’t believe she had just passed up the opportunity to go home. Beside the fire Morgan stirred and whispered something. Liz bent closer to catch what she was saying.

“…won’t let me… die. Don’t trust the boy…”

Chills crept up Liz’s spine. She looked back at the door, already fading into the night, and tried to remind herself that the old woman was losing her mind. The door would be back. Right?

-End

To My Non-Christian Friends

You ever have one of those days where no matter what you do right, you do something wrong?

I’ve had one of those weeks.

I am a Clinical Research Coordinator. More or less that means I am in charge of running a physician’s clinical trials. I work with cancer patients that have gastro-intestinal cancer -anything from the throat to the anus, with a few stops along the way, is my area. My day to day can range from seeing patients alongside an Oncologist, to running blood tubes to various labs, to completing hours and hours of paperwork on everything that occurred during a patient’s visit.

Technically the physician is in charge of and responsible for everything that goes on as part of their trial -as the pharmaceutical companies like to say, “pretty much, if anything goes wrong, it’s your fault”. But, if you’ve ever been someone’s assistant you know the real truth. In public, they take the fall for the mistake, but the hammer always comes back to the assistant.

This is a job where people take patients whose bodies are actively betraying them and trying to set that to a strict schedule. Needless to say things go wrong. To make matters worse, in a job that is so focused on everything going according to plan, every move is documented, stored, and gone through at least a dozen times. We have actual lists of the mistakes we make that go on permanent record for years. That means I am accountable for mistakes I made years ago, and they can be dug up and interrogated at any time. It doesn’t matter if I have learned from them, grown through them -the North remembers (a bit of Game of Thrones humor for you).

Don’t get me wrong, I love my job, it is interesting, exciting, challenging, and honestly helps improves the lives of people around me. But it brings out the perfectionist in me. Not the I can do everything right perfectionist, but the no mistake for any reason is acceptable perfectionist.

See truthfully I don’t need too much help to find my faults. I have a list in the back of my mind, right next to the voices. Sure I have moments where I know full well my strengths, or moments where I get cocky. But I’m always very aware of the fact that I’m not perfect. At times it is a weight that drags me down. Sometimes it is something I try to overcome. Other times it is something I try desperately to hide. But rarely is it something I am able to just accept.

Anyone else out there with me? Anyone out there know they aren’t perfect, know they make mistakes, fall short of their own standards, and do their best to sweep the worst of it under the rug? There is a thousand ways I could explain it; and another couple hundred ways that we all deal with it, but if you have ever felt that way, hopefully you understand what I’m getting at.

I was having one of the crappier days of my week yesterday; it was a day where I was both handling a tough situation that was not at all my fault -really winning in terms of my coordinatorness, but I was also stuck staring at the dozens of ways that I could have prevented the sitaution -if I had bit a bit more on top of things, if I had seen everything that could have happened, if I had been perfect. In the middle of some seething anger, muttered curses, and mild panic, it hit me.

It would be really amazing to have someone fully see my situation, the things I’ve done right, the ways I could have been better, the mistakes I actually made – actually see all of those, and say it was okay. Not make excuses for them, like I so often do, but FORGIVE them. The most amazing feeling I can possibly think of, to be fully known, have someone admit that they see your faults, and not hold them against you.

As a Christian there are so many times when I get wrapped up in the fact that I should do a morning devotion instead of sleep longer or watch TV. Or I should pray more, or volunteer. There are times when I worry about which side of the political monster I fall on and if I’ve really given the other side enough consideration. There are times I worry about the mistakes I make, and how I need to do better. But at the heart of it all of that is missing the point.

If you took the time to read this far I thank you; I promise I’m about to make my point.

I have 3 words tattooed on my body. Down my ribs in an anagram -meaning it reads as one word going up, and a different word going down – of the words Sinner and Saint. The third word is on a banner hanging over a cross on my arm. The banner says Forgiven.

You don’t have to be clean or good enough to be a Christian

Behind all the political rants; the republican, democrat, abortion, immigration noise – behind all of that, these three words really sum up what it means to be a Christian. So, if you are not a Christ follower, a Jesus freak, or a church goer, I want someone at least to tell you this much. You don’t have to be clean or good enough to be a Christian – in fact, we took a vote a long time ago and those people didn’t make the cut. The truth is that you don’t make the cut. If you don’t lie to yourself you know that; God know that, but he forgives you for it – or he will if you ask for it. The other thing you need to know is that all of us Christians, we are works in progress. We’ve opened ourselves up to letting God work on us, but we are stuck in the middle. We are both Sinners and Saints. We know the good we should do, but we don’t always do it. So please don’t ignore our mistakes, but forgive them. We aren’t perfect, and that is a good thing. And if you are a Jesus follower, chances are that every now and then you forget this little fact. Take a moment to remember it. Let your guard down, admit you aren’t perfect, and know you are loved by someone who sees you more clearly than you see yourself.

If you find yourself sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. If you find yourself all too aware of your imperfections, I would invite you to consider God. Not because you are good enough to make the cut, but because he loves you anyway, and because it is truly awesome to know you are loved while also being truly seen for who you are. There is nothing better.

The Christianese Bulls-*hem* Jargon

Jargon: special words or expressions that are used by a particular profession or group and are difficult for others to understand.

I work with Oncologists- cancer doctors; people who are wickedly smart and have such specialized knowledge that sometimes I start a conversation drowning. In addition to knowing ten times more about the human body than I ever will, I also struggle at times to simply follow what they are even saying. Doctors are notorious for jargon, abbreviations, and acronyms. My god the sheer acronyms that I have to deal with.

CBC, CMP,  HCC, AE, SAE, DLT, HRPO, PCP, HIPAA, PO – just to name a few off the top of my head.

That doesn’t even begin to cover the actual jargon; words like edema, dysphagia, dyspnea, emesis, peripheral, palliative.

There is good reason for it. The use of jargon and acronyms saves time and often allows physicians to be incredibly specific about symptoms, treatments, and body parts. It allows them to quickly and effectively communicate with other people who speak the same language. It lets them do their job.

But then they talk to patients.

Some physicians are great at translating their jargon into normal talk. Others… let’s say that just watching is a bit painful. Sometimes they take all of that knowledge, all of those specific terms and helpful words, and it is delivered like blunt force trauma from a roughly cylindrical object, causing contusions and lacerations to the posterior of the subject’s skull (it hits the patient over the back of the head like a baseball bat).

So why am I telling you this? Why should you care, other than to laugh or cringe based on your own experiences? Well, because religious people are just as guilty of this 90% of the time. Except, while doctors are able to use their specific language to talk quickly and specifically about a situation, religious jargon often clouds the situation with familiar feel good fluff.

Ever sat in a church and heard someone talk about handing a situation over to God? Ever heard a Christian mention a tough time and say they were “relying on His strength”? How about walking with the Lord? Waiting on the God’s time? Hearing God speak or feeling the Spirit move?

Am I the only one who has ever heard that and asked what the hell does that even mean?

Sometimes the jargon isn’t an effective way of communicating. Sometimes it is just the automatic Christianese reply. The feel good fluff that sounds nice but means little.

Don’t get me wrong. I grew up in the church. For the most part I can translate these words and phrases from Christianese into actual English. But, most of the times jargon isn’t an effective way of communicating. Not for us normal folk. Sometimes it is just the automatic feel good reply. The fluff that sounds nice but means little.

My wife and I went through a crisis a few years back. Read my earlier posts or private message me if you want to know more about that. While we were going through it several people gave us the advice to rely on His (God’s) strength. And I tried. I really did. But when I was stressed, and tired, and frustrated, I often came back to the fact that this wasn’t something I could physically do.

Maybe you’ve been there? Maybe you’ve tried to “turn to God” but all of the spiritual fluff is clogging the way so you can’t actually understand what God even wants you to do.

Ever been there? Is that you now? Well, here is my interpretation of some of the more fluffy things that we Christians say. Just a disclaimer, I don’t have it all figured out, so some of this is just my best explanation. Also, if you have it all figured out, comment below and help the rest of us, or feel free to add something if I left it out.

 

  • Handing Something Over to God- Relying on God- Or letting go and letting God.

There are a lot of different ways to express this one. I have probably used all of the above and more. But while the words can vary, the general sentiment is the same. And, while this is one of the most common phrases, it is also the worst in terms of actual application or understanding.

What we mean: What we typically mean when we say some version of the above, is that we aren’t able to do or handle something on our own because we are human. We can say this when trying to be a patient and kind human being during St. Louis rush hour (that alone should come with a sainthood), or when we are trying to keep it together in the face of tragedy. Basically this one gets used any time that we know the standard is higher than what we, as a broken human being, can manage.

What this actually looks like: So disclaimer, I’m not great at this, but this is what it boils down to. In some way, shape, or form, we let go. It can be a prayer where we simply say, “God, I can’t do this alone, please give me strength.” Or it can be an actual act where we stop trying to control the millions of pieces and simply allow ourselves to be human and imperfect. That’s about as concrete as I can get. And it is hard to fully explain because it relies on the actuality that there is someone on the other side of my prayers. Right? If I’m just sending out positive vibes this is a very newagey feel goody type of fluff. But, if God exists and is listening, that what I am doing is asking for, and relying on, His help- which is a very real and often the only fix to my problems.That may not have cleared much up, so just think of what you would do if you were in a bind and were relying on another person. You would stop trying to control everything, fix everything, and anxiously ponder every horrible outcome. You would step back and let them do their job. This is doing that, but with God.

  • Feeling the Spirit Move- Hearing God Speak

If there is an area where Christians sound like they need to be committed, where we sound particularly like a cult, this is it. I’ve been binge watching “House” recently, and in an episode Hugh Laurie’s character stated “…you talk to God, you’re religious. God talks to you — you’re psychotic.” But Christians claim to “Feel the Spirit Move”, “Hear God speak” or somehow communicate with him all the time. So are we crazy? If not what are we saying?

What we mean: When a Christian states that they felt God talking to them, or heard God, it is incredible rare for them to mean they actually heard an audible voice. Instead, this is usually a way for them to state that they are convinced that God is communicating with them in a variety of ways. I try to avoid this type of phrasing as much as possible, instead talking about how I see God moving, or stating that I am convinced he is saying this, that, or the other. This area of communication is often very subjective and it is incredible easy for hopes, dreams, or emotions to shadow what God is actually saying, either by being mistaken for God’s will, or by combating the actual message he is sending. From my own experience I have found that it is often best to critically think about what is being said, test it against the Bible, pray, and often consult others for wisdom.

So, in a nutshell, the basic gist is this: due to circumstances or emotions, we feel that God is giving us an answer to a question, or guiding us in a certain direction.

What it actually looks like: There is a wide range here. Some people claim (and some I am sure actually have) heard an audible voice from God. I would say this is very rare and extremely unlikely. Others describe it as a feeling or emotional certainty. Sometimes it is a set of circumstances lining up in such a way that we are certain it was God pointing us in a specific direction. Sometimes this is extremely obvious and specific, missing only the neon signs pointing the way. Other times this is as faint as a whisper, easily missed if you aren’t paying the closest of attention. It is often extremely easy for emotions to get in the way, causing us to doubt what God is saying, or causing us to feel God is pointing us in the direction that we already want to go. Whole books have been written on this topic, and as a general rule of thumb it is best to tread lightly and cautiously. Often times it is far too easy to hear your own emotions and say “God was speaking”. On the other hand though, it can be just as bad to never listen for him.

  • Getting Saved – Finding Jesus

I once saw a “Where’s Waldo” book where someone had Photo-shopped in Jesus for Waldo. Thus, they were finally able to answer the age old question and state that they had indeed “found” Jesus. I don’t know if Christian lingo has upgraded throughout the years, I really hope so, but that was the question to ask when I was growing up. Have you found Jesus? The question in second place was “Are you saved?” Most people probably understood that this was a round about way of asking if someone was a Christian; but I’m not sure how many people understood why the questions were phrased that way.

What we mean: I think most everyone can understand that these questions are asking if someone is a Christian. What that really means is a bit more vague.

What it actually looks like: At the center of the Christianity is the belief that we have all fallen prey to Sin – an intentional missing of God’s perfect way. We have all lied, cheated, stolen, hated, lusted, the list goes on. Because of that we are rebellious criminals who deserve a punishment. Thus, we need saving. Jesus came to earth, lived a perfect life, and died to be a substitute for our punishment. Thus the questions.

Are you saved? – Have you accepted Jesus’s sacrifice for you and declared that you want to follow Him and His ways?

Have you found Jesus? – He often described himself as a Path or a Door. We as humans often feel like something is missing, some vital aspect of our lives, something that needs to be filled. Have you found Jesus? asks if we have found that perfect fulfillment and true source of life.

 

There are many more odd phrases and automatic Chistianese responses that you can find in the Church. For brevity’s sake I only included what I considered to be the top 3. Hopefully this helps some. Still, there are bound to be more. So, the next time you are listening to someone and they say something that sounds nice, but causes you to pause and ask what does that even mean; or if you are a church person and you find yourself vomiting “spiritual” words, stop and ask what is actually meant there. Let’s stop smiling and nodding and actually communicate. Maybe if we cut out a bit of the fluff we can sound a bit less spiritual and actually be a bit more spiritual.

Do No Harm

It was a cold, windy night. The type of night that arms the breeze with daggers which pierce through coats like paper. I shivered as I stood outside, pumping gas into my car. My son was in his car seat making faces at me; my wife was inside the gas station grabbing something warm to drink.

Just barely registering over the mind numbing cold, I saw a man walking across the parking lot towards me. He got to the hood of my car and said hello. I responded in kind. Then he proceeded to explain his situation to me. He was traveling back home for the holidays with his family and had a flat. He needed money to fix it and get back home to Colorado. Before I could say anything he apologized for bothering me and began to offer me various contents in his car as collateral.

I stood there, in the merciless icy wind, weighing my options. It took only a moment. I opened my mouth, apologized, and said no.

I had my reasons. It was the day after Christmas, meaning I had already spent a ton of money on gifts, food, and travel. In addition to that my furnace had broken down a little over a week prior, leaving me with a decent sized, rather unexpected, bill just before the holidays. Technically I could have spared the money he asked me for, it would have hurt sure but I wouldn’t have gone hungry over it, but I had a family to think of too. Was giving away that money really in their best interest?

There was more to my denial than just not wanting to part with the money though. This wasn’t the first time I’d been stopped and asked for cash, not even close. Sometimes I gave, sometimes I didn’t. Several times though, I’d been burned. It happened after giving someone cash for food outside a grocery store, then later seeing them walk out of the same store with Vodka. Or when someone claimed he only needed twelve dollars for the bus, but then moved right on to the next car to ask for more, despite my giving him a twenty.

I’d seen that type of abuse from the other side too. I used to work in a state funded substance abuse clinic. Time and time again we would have patients who were able to get drugs or alcohol after begging for money on the streets.

Not everyone with a sign on the side of the road is lying. But how do you know?

I’m sure some of this sounds rather jaded, or even somewhat cliche’. After all, some of the people asking for money honestly need it. Not everyone with a sign on the side of the road is lying. But how do you know?

How do you know that their story isn’t simply well rehearsed? How do you know you aren’t enabling poor life choices to continue, rather than being dealt with? Does the person have friends or family who should be helping, but aren’t?

It is almost impossible to know the answer to these questions based on a simple street encounter. So each time I am approached and asked for money I’m left with questions and guilt, regardless of what I do. Should I have said yes? Should I have done more?

I don’t have all the answers to this, but here are the thoughts rattling around my brain.

  • Do no harm. 

It is tempting at times to simply give regardless of the other person’s intentions. Generosity is important. If the other person misuses your gift at least you did the right thing.

Right?

Your generosity isn’t simply an abstract idea floating around the world. Your money has real consequences. After 9-11 it came out that several charity organizations were actually fronts for training camps for terrorist activity. While it was horrifying, we hear that sort of news all the time – charity CEO pocketing 90% of the profits, only 10 cents per every dollar actually goes to that child in India, the list goes on. The donors had good intentions, but that doesn’t change what their money did.

Maybe look into the person or charity a bit more before you give. Even if you give to the person on the side of the road or in the parking lot, maybe check out their story, or provide in a way that is less likely to be abused. You’ll never be 100% sure you aren’t getting scammed, but at least you’ve done your part to make sure you are helping, not harming.

  • Give with your Money

 

So you can’t trust the person on the street corner. Okay. Find somewhere else to give.

Giving with your money is important.

It is important so you remember to be grateful for what you have. It is important to remind you of the real priorities, besides stuff. And it is important because other people need help, and we have a duty to help when we can.

Someone once told me that everything I had, I had because someone gave it to me. My family gave me life, education, and a foundation to start with. My country gave me the healthcare that kept me well, education that helped me develop, and the security to be fairly well adjusted. Even my career was given to me. Sure I had the credentials and work ethic, but someone had to look at me and say yes, I want him to have this job. I am truly blessed. And I think if you were to take a careful look, you would find that you are too.

So, since we have been given so much, it is important to give what we can to others as well.

If you can’t or don’t want to give to the random people you meet, find somewhere you are comfortable with. There are thousands of charities and other organizations doing amazing work. They are in your church, your city, online. They do work for every situation you could think of. If you try, you can find one doing the work that you want to support. So go out there, find something, and give back

  • Be Available and Willing to Help

There is an account in Acts where the disciples Peter and John are confronted by a beggar asking for money (Acts 3:1-8). We are told that this man was crippled from birth, meaning it was highly unlikely that he was scamming Peter. In response, however, Peter claims that he doesn’t have money, but he will give what he can. Then he and John heal the man.

Two things stand out to me here.

  1. I have a really hard time believing that neither Peter nor John had any money on them. Certainly these two weren’t known for being rich, but seriously, nothing for lunch, or just rattling around in their cloaks?
  2. Regardless of the money, they took the time to see the man, and truly help him with what they could do.

When I am driving down the street, walking to the metro, going to the store, am I available to help my fellow man?

The answer is no, far too often. Typically I am tired, or in a hurry, or had a long day. I don’t want a stranger to look at me, let alone ask me for help. But maybe I should be. Maybe not every time, but more.

What if, when asked for money, we took the time to talk to the other person and see what was going on in their lives? What if we kept our eyes and ears open for resources in the area that could actually devote the time and energy to helping that person get back on their feet? What if we gave back in ways that were less likely to be abused?

This isn’t a cure all by any means, but it could be an improvement.

 

I can’t guarantee the next time I find myself asked for money by a stranger that the result will be any different. But I would like to think it would.

Even if I don’t give him cash, maybe I could point him in the direction of help. Maybe I could actually listen to what he has to say, and talk to him about life. And maybe, even if I can’t help every person I cross, I can make sure I am doing something to help those who need it.

 

 

 

 

I Will Think Fondly of You

“I’ll pray for you. ”

I said the words to a friend the other day and they caught in my throat about halfway out. My relationship with God was damaged a while ago and I’m still healing. One of the main things that has yet to get back to usual is my prayer life. Right now it is sporadic, short, and far smaller than it used to be or should be. So, when I started to tell my friend that I would pray from him I had to ask myself. Would I? Because in all honesty the likely hood of my remembering to actually pray, and then on top of that to talk to God about his needs, were slim. But then the other question that came to my mind was if it even mattered?

People ask for prayer all the time. People of faith. People at the end of their rope. People who believe in the power of prayer. People who are just saying it to say something pleasant. But, when I say I will pray for someone, do I mean that I will actually pray for them or their situation? Or do I simply mean that I will think of their situation and hope for the best?

What does prayer even do? Why do we need to pray? What good is prayer if God is just going to do his own thing anyway? I’ve asked these questions before and talked with people about them several times. And the honest truth is that I don’t have a great answer. I have no idea why God wants us to pray when He already knows that will happen and what we are going to ask for. I don’t know why I should pray if bad things are going to happen despite my prayers. I also don’t get why I should ask a bunch of people to pray for me, rather than pray for myself. Is God running some sort of prayer petition and only responds if we get over 100,000 prayer signatures? What is the point?

Despite not having those answer, I think prayer is important. Much like when I was in the habit of working out, when I was in the habit of praying regularly, I could tell the difference – in myself, in my faith, in how I say the world. I don’t want you to just take my personal, subjective, experience on it though. So here are some examples on why I think we should take prayer seriously.

  • The Example of Samuel – Samuel was a leader of the people of Israel back in the old Testament. He guided the people, led them, taught them, and took care of them his whole life. At the end, however, the people said he wasn’t good enough. They demanded a king to replace him. As he is accepting this, basically resigning from office, he says this, “23 Moreover, as for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the Lord by ceasing to pray for you…” (1 Samuel 12:23). See Samuel thought prayer was so important that he considered it a sin, missing the mark of what was actually right, to not pray for the people. He thought so strongly that he prayers did something that to not pray was, to him, a disservice to his people. How crazy would it be if we thought we were being a bad coworker, friend, brother, or sister, if we were forgetting to pray for these people regularly?

 

  • Paul, a leader of the New Testament church this time, was writing a letter to a newer church and as he was wrapping up with some general thoughts on life he encouraged them to “17 pray without ceasing” (1 Thessalonians 5:17). According to him we should be constantly talking to God. In a way that makes a lot of sense. Not that God is telling us that the blueberry muffin for breakfast is a sin, but the chocolate chip one is his good and perfect will (although …chocolate…). Anyway. I think Paul meant that if we are constantly listening to God and talking to him maybe we would be more conscious about our actions and if they were in line with His will. And also, it leaves us open to God telling us when maybe we should show a little extra compassion, really ask a coworker if things are okay. Maybe if we were constnaly in communication God’s will would be done a little more.

 

  • And finally, Jesus prayed. God, when He was here, took the time to pray. I’m not going to get into why He did or how that exactly worked. I don’t know how His humanity/Godhood mixed so I don’t know if this was an example, or necessary. I think it was necessary for him even, but regardless it was a picture for us. He got up and went away from people to pray (Luke 5:16) . He took time out of his morning for it (Mark 1:35). When things got bad- like he knew he was about to be captured and beaten and executed bad- he got his friends together and he prayed (Matthew 26:36-46). Again, it wasn’t just sending up the good feels into the world. When he came back down and found his friends sleeping instead of praying for him, he yelled at them. Because in his eyes prayer did something.

My wife and I are reading this prayer book together. “Reading”. To be honest we are really bad at taking the time to actually do even that. But what we have read has been really interesting. One thing the author talked about was treating prayer like a conversation, like someone was actually on the other side. Praying because we need to talk to God to grow our relationship with him, much like we would our spouse or friend.

I don’t know how prayer works. I have had a lot of prayers unanswered, big prayers, little prayers. I don’t get why that is. I don’t know why God, who sees everything and knows everything, needs us to ask for things or talk to him about stuff. I don’t know if or why praying with several people is more effective that praying by yourself.

What I do know is that prayer matters. God loves us, and He has told us this is how we talk to him, how He talks to us, how we get His attention. He has told us that if we ask He will give, and that He loves to give us good gifts. I know that He is near and listening. So, if you ask me to pray for you, know that when I say yes, I am not saying I will think fondly of you, but I will pray for you. I will ask the God of the universe for this thing, on your behalf. And I don’t know how or why prayer works. God didn’t see fit to give me those answers. He just told me to do it.